Topher Tracking Issue 09: Ocean's Eleven & Ocean's Twelve
a Topher Tracking double feature!
Throw on those blue tinted shades; turn up the volume on that funk compilation CD; and pop your shiny shirt collar over your even shiner blazer, because we’re wading into the Ocean’s, baby!
If you’ve been cinematically landlocked, the Ocean’s franchise is a star-studded series of heist films. The first three films: Ocean’s Eleven (2001), Ocean’s Twelve (2004), and Ocean’s Thirteen (2007) were directed by an old Topher Tracking fav, Steven Soderbergh, and they are so early aughts it hurts.
These are films in which Vegas is a destination and a character wears a dazzling silver tie/shirt combo. These movies feature Julia Roberts with pin-straight hair1 speaking the line “I don’t have a cell phone.”
George Clooney stars as Danny Ocean, who leads a band of smooth criminals to con the rich and powerful. His accomplices include returning Topher Tracking stars like Matt Damon, , Julia Roberts, and (an ambiguously British) Don Cheadle. Casey Affleck’s also there, looking like he’s trying really hard not to punch anyone. Rounding out the cast is Brad Pitt and Bernie Mac (did I mention these movies were made in the 2000’s?)
Soderbergh invited Topher to join the project during post production for Traffic, Topher’s first movie. He ended up making cameos in both Ocean’s Eleven and Ocean’s Twelve.
But Topher doesn’t play just any old member of Clooney’s team like dusty-ass Brad Pitt does. No, Topher Grace plays…Topher Grace!
Ocean’s Eleven
Topher drops in right at the beginning of the movie. He’s a smarmy, insecure actor with a goatee (!) and a leather jacket (!) and a toothpick in his mouth (!!)
Topher hires Brad Pitt’s character, Rusty, to teach poker to him and his friends, who are all teen TV stars from the time, which I didn’t immediately realize because I’m so youthful.
The poker lesson takes place in the back room at a club which has been fashioned into a kind of stripper aquarium. Topher triumphantly reveals he has “all reds.” Which the editing leads me to believe is the wrong answer, I don’t know how to play poker. Anyway, we love a cute dumb boy.
Danny Ocean crashes the game to recruit Rusty, and asks Topher if it’s truly difficult to transition from TV to movies (Cause Clooney also started out on TV! Call Mark Zuckerberg because that shit’s META!!!) Danny proceeds to absolutely school Topher and his famous friends in poker. At least, I think that's what happens. If anyone knows how poker works, sound off in the comments below!
The group leaves the stripquarium and Topher is immediately bombarded by adoring fans (relatable). Of course, in this world George Clooney and Brad Pitt are NOT famous and easily get by the crowds. Oh, the 2001 irony of it all.
Ocean’s Twelve
Topher returns as himself in Ocean’s Twelve. This time, he’s living in Rusty’s hotel, and my dude’s a mess.
Let’s take this frame by frame: Topher throws open the door with full Severus Snape hair and a T-shirt that says “your boyfriend wants me.” Immediately adding this to the pantheon of all-time great Topher lewks.
Topher has completely trashed the room, and Rusty scolds, “geez Topher you didn’t have to go all Frankie Muniz on ‘em.”
Is it too late in this review to start a drinking game for every time a reference is made that would mean nothing to, like, Olivia Rodrigo?2
Topher explains that he loves a girl who is driving him crazy:
“I quit the show, I totally phoned in that Dennis Quaid movie. God, it’s almost like this Kaballah crap doesn’t even work!”
Drink, bitches!
Rusty gets a call, and Topher weakly begs him not to leave. And that’s the last we see of Topher in this franchise. I hope fictional Topher Grace is okay!
Ocean’s Thirteen and Ocean’s Eight
Sadly, we’re left to wonder about Topher’s fate because he is not in either of the subsequent Ocean’s movies :(
Soderbergh did have a plan for a Topher cameo in Ocean’s Thirteen, but Topher couldn’t do it because he was in the middle of shooting Spider-Man 3. Luckily, Topher told The Film Stage what the cameo would’ve looked like:
“I was gonna see Rusty [Pitt’s character] going into a casino and I was gonna stop him and the whole time I was going to be holding an Asian baby but we weren’t gonna say anything about it. The first was one was cards, second was wreck a hotel a room, and the third one was that.”
Hmmmmm.
Look, who am I to question the wisdom of Topher and Soderbergh, but my instincts tell me maybe that scene’s better off only existing in their imaginations.
Ocean’s Eight was an all-female reboot that came out in 2018.3 This one wasn’t directed by Soderbergh, and apparently the fans don't view Topher cameo's as essential to the franchise, so there was no change.org petition to bring him back.
But mark my works, reader. Next time will be different! Us Topher heads will be heard!
It’s only a matter of time before the reboot to the reboot is announced, probably starring Austin Butler or something. And I will campaign to bring Topher back to the Ocean’s! I’ll even take him with an Asian baby!
🥳 Next month is Topher Tracking’s first birthday and I’ve got a very special present to myself planned! If you haven’t already, subscribe to follow along or share Topher Tracking with your friends (especially if your friend is Topher Grace)! Thanks as always for your support!
Not even Julia could escape the vice-like grip the Conair flat iron had on all of us.
I like to imagine my readers already pour two fingers of scotch before settling into a new issue of Topher Tracking.
GROAN another one of those! Too bad Ocean’s Eight fully slaps.