Topher Tracking Oscar Extravaganza!
Heeeeyyyyyy! Sorry for being a little late this month. I imagine the anxiety of a world without Topher Tracking was too much for some of you to bear.
I have an excuse! I spent the beginning of this month in Los Angeles, where I THINK Topher lives!!!1 Unfortunately, there were zero Topher sightings on this trip, but I DID see a three-legged dog walking on its hind legs.2
But I’m BACK! And just in the knick of time! It’s Oscars season BABYEEE. This is the time of year I become an absolute fucking nightmare because the Oscars are WAY too important to me.3
Why? An early understanding of Oscar politics allowed me to feel superior to my high school peers, who were too busy having sex to care, probably. This led to an Oscar ballot winning streak that lasted from high school till the end of college. I was a whiz for picking the winners. Years later, I’m still chasing that high.
Also, I’ve obviously put a lot of thought into my fantasy Oscar acceptance speech, especially the high school theater directors I would snub.
Anyway, the Oscars are a big deal for me, but they have one flaw.4 And that is that TOPHER GRACE HAS NEVER BEEN NOMINATED FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD!!!
Looking at this year’s acting nominees, I noticed some missed opportunities in casting. Here are the Oscar-nominated roles Topher could’ve (should’ve) played:
Peter in The Power of The Dog
Topher walked so Kodi Smit-McPhee could run. Change my mind.
Princess Diana in Spencer
He has the range
Anyone in Licorice Pizza
We know Topher looks great in 70’s attire and PTA loves working with comedic actors. Topher not being in Licorice Pizza was a miss.
Harvey Weinstein in TBD
Hear me out. A Weinstein movie is inevitable. The industry loves to pat themselves on the back for how far they’ve come. this future movie will definitely be nominated for a buttload of awards.
Obviously, Topher wouldn’t be my first choice to play Weinstein,5 But Topher has never shied away from playing monsters, and the Academy loves any role that requires an actor to cake themselves in makeup. My point is, for the inevitable Harvey Weinstein movie, put Topher on the shortlist.
The Host
The Academy has announced that this year’s ceremony will have a host!!! Topher would be perfect! He could handle any Moonlight situation that may arise.
Bronco Henry in The Power of The Dog
In my head canon, Topher already is Bronco Henry.
This month, I’m watching a Topher movie that was nominated for five Oscars: Interstellar (2014). Alright alright alright.
He could also be an affable hermit type. I cannot stress enough how little research I do for this newsletter. My lack of thoroughness will be my main defense if I’m ever accused of stalking.
I’m lying, My sister actually saw the dog and told me about it
And YES I know the Oscars are archaic, problematic fluff that get it wrong every year. I’m not here to defend the Oscars. But also…I am?
Okay, one of many flaws. But this is the biggest!
The only correct first choice to play Weinstein is Brendan Gleeson.