Topher Tracking Issue 02: Valentine’s Day

Capitalism: A Love Story

HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY, TOPH-HEADS!

Everyone feels some type of way about this holiday, making it a perfect Petri dish to cultivate a movie. There are a million stories to be told about Valentine's Day, and this movie tries to squeeze in all of them.

This month I watched Garry Marshall’s 2010 rom com Valentine’s Day. This flick is loaded with stars and packed with storylines.¹ Just look at this insane picture from the premiere. This is this only, like, 1/8th of the cast:

Is Taylor Lautner trying to throw hands with my guy???

Haters of Valentine’s Day (the day) will tell anyone who listens that it is not a “real” holiday, but a capitalist ploy to trick the masses into buying chocolate and flowers. Those buzzkills would actually love this movie.

On the surface, Valentine’s Day is a by-the-numbers rom com that takes all the wrong lessons from Love, Actually.² What emerges, however, isa blistering satire on capitalism.

We open on a bouncy montage of Los Angeles at dawn. Right away, something feels off. There are no homeless encampments in sight. Red-cheeked construction workers seem eerily chipper, wearing frozen grins like they’re in Soviet propaganda. A radio-smooth, disembodied voice says:

“Hey there, all you sleepy Angelenos. A good, good morning to you. It's your buddy, Romeo Midnight. I know, I know. I'm the voice you normally listen to in the middle of the night. But today is special, Los Angeles. It's my favorite day of the year. Today is Valentine's Day.”

Thanks for setting the stage, Romeo Midnight! I assume since your voice is the first thing we hear in the movie, you will be integral to the plot!

Ashton Kutcher plays a florist with a pathological love for Valentine’s Day. I’ve never worked as a florist, but I assume Valentine’s Day is the most soul-sucking suckfest day of the year for florists. We are now fully immersed in Marshall’s stealth capitalist dystopia.

Ashton visits the flower wholesaler. The wholesaler is an older immigrant man who is excited to be interviewed for the local news. Ashton immediately shoves the guy out of the way to commandeer the interview and promote his shitty flower shop. That man is his FRIEND! We never see the wholesaler again. He’s just another casualty of the race to the middle.

If I haven’t yet convinced you that Valentine’s Day is subliminally telling the viewer to Eat the Rich, idk what to tell you. Onto the parts with Topher Grace!

Topher lays in bed, his white boy bod³ on full display. He is woken up by an adorable Anne Hathaway. We learn they’ve only been dating for 2 weeks and things are HOT.

Anne pulling off the oversized button down like I never could

They’re smooching when Anne’s phone starts ringing and she dashes out the door.⁴ Turn’s out, she’s a phone sex worker and Topher doesn’t know. Uh oh!

At work, Topher finds out that it’s Valentine’s Day. He assumes Anne left in such a hurry because she was mad he didn’t plan anything. I get his panic. Being in a new, not-yet-defined relationship on Valentine's Day is NOT chill.

Anne works at the same company.⁵ She is Queen Latifah’s assistant AND she is taking calls for her phone sex job AT THE SAME TIME! There’s an upsetting scene where she has to quickly make a stranger ejaculate before Topher makes it over to her desk. Pay this girl a living wage!

“It's Romeo Midnight, back again. And if those topsy-turvy feelings have got you twisted inside-out, think of the poet Rumi, who 800 years ago said: ‘All we really want is love's confusing joy.’"

Oh shit, I forgot you were there, Romeo Midnight! By my estimate, you’ve been holding down the fort at the radio station for 8 hours now. Don’t forget to hydrate!

Topher takes Anne to a restaurant with a cramped communal table that gave me Covid anxiety. Things are going well until Anne has to step out to take a call for her phone sex operation. This is not a sustainable work-life balance! 

I’d catch Covid from these two any day

Topher goes outside to look for Anne and catches her talking dirty on the phone. She comes clean to him:

Anne: I moonlight as an adult phone entertainer. 

Topher: Like... phone sex? 

Anne: Yes. This is the busiest day of the year for phone sex. Surprise... 

Topher: Why didn't you tell me? 

Anne: OK, um. I'm broke. I have a 100K student loan I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pay off, I have no health insurance. And, so, if you know of a job, that will pay a poetry-major $40 an hour with her clothes on, I'm all ears.

Michael Moore is shaking in his boots.

Unfortunately, Topher’s a big jerk about Anne’s second job. He claims he can’t handle something so kinky because he’s from Indiana,⁶ and he runs away like a spiky-haired baby.

Toph goes alone to the next part of their date, which is an outdoor movie in a cemetery. This is symbolic because, if you find yourself alone on Valentine’s Day, you might as well be dead.

There, Topher runs into Héctor Elizondo (aka America’s Dad Who Isn’t Afraid To Go To Therapy), WHO OMG I FORGOT TO MENTION BEFORE! I’m sorry, everyone, there are 800 people in this movie.

Earlier in the movie, Héctor learned that his wife had cheated on him decades ago. Topher recognizes a fellow Sad Boy and offers Héctor his extra ticket. Love to see another third act team-up of Topher and an older man!

Héctor’s wife shows up and makes a big romantic declaration, inspiring Topher to chase after Anne. He shows up at her apartment and apologizes, and she sets boundaries with her phone sex job (I’m gonna tell my kid this was The Great Resignation). They kiss and make up <3

“It's Romeo Midnight, one last time. Only 30 seconds left now before it's just another day. So count it down with me, lovers.”

Romeo Midnight is STILL on the air?!?! Did he get any overtime for working 24 hours straight? Oh God, now I’m picturing Romeo Midnight having to pee in a bottle to avoid displeasing his fat-cat overlords.

I had tons of fun watching Valentine’s Day. Topher Grace’s storyline is by far the best, thanks to his chemistry with Anne Hathaway.⁷ I had no idea this was the romantic pairing I was missing in my life. Could Topher and Anne be the next rom com power duo? This generation’s Tom and Meg? I wouldn’t rule it out!

Next month, it’s Oscars season, babyeeee! The Oscars almost never nominate rom coms because of misogyny, and haven’t yet nominated Topher Grace because, I’m assuming, jealousy. This should be fun.

Don’t forget to stock up on half-priced chocolate tomorrow! BYE!

1. Literally, SO many storylines and I’m sorry to say I won’t be breaking all of them down. If you want to know what Taylor Swift and Taylor Lautner do in this movie, I’m sure you can find a “Taylor Tracking” newsletter out there with 1000x more readership than this rag.

2. There’s even a storyline with a little motherless boy who has a crush on a girl at school. We find out at the end that the kid’s mom is NOT actually dead, but is an active duty service member. This is a good twist because everyone in the kid’s life was talking about her like she was dead. 

3. White boy bod is, coincidently, also my body type.

4. I liked the design of Topher’s apartment. We’ve all known the 25-year-old guy with bare walls and a nipple-height basketball hoop. Run, Anne!

5. My type is also “men I work with.”

6. I won’t take this slander of the good people of Indiana. Any state repressed enough to elect Mike Pence definitely knows what adult phone entertainers are. How else could they talk to women who aren’t their wives?

7. Some people go both ways, but I go Hathaway!...Is that anything?