Help, I got creepy.
Introducing minis!
Happy February folks! The Topher Grace movie I’m watching this month is Valentine’s Day (2010), because February is the month of over consuming sugary junk made with exploited labor. Zing!
In addition to my monthly film reviews, I plan to start sending out a Topher Tracking “mini” at the top of each month to announce the movie I’ll be watching. These minis will be more unstructured and breezy (unlike my film reviews which are dead fucking focused).
In the spirit of Valentine’s Day, I decided to Google Topher’s dating history—as one does—for this mini. I came across a lot of early-aughts tabloids that, in a post-Free Britney world, kinda made my stomach turn, like this gem from a 2008 issue of OK! Magazine.1
There is a lot I actually like about this article:
The potato quality side-by-side photos of both Topher and Minka Kelly. Was this compiled by Ken Burns?
This: “According to witnesses at Stonefire Pizza Co. in L.A., Minka and Topher, two of Hollywood's oddest-named celebs, were being extremely affectionate with each other…” Woah. That’s a weirdly shady comment from a writer named OK! Staff.
This: “[They] looked like they wanted to make out Thursday night as they shared a pie.” HUH? Now, I’m not calling OK! Magazine a liar, but how does one both eat pizza AND signal that they’re ready to make out? It seems physically impossible, but maybe I’ve been eating pizza/making out wrong.
Ultimately, I decided to get off of Google and accept Topher and I will never be together.
But that’s okay! Topher is married and by all accounts very happy, and I have a serious boyfriend. While my boyfriend is NOT Topher Grace, he is otherwise pretty great. I will henceforth refer to him as Nopher.2
I hope you have a Nopher or a pizza to make out with while watching Valentines Day.3 Either way, please learn from my mistake and stay off of Google this month.
Bisous!
Do you think, when people ask them where they work, employees of OK! Magazine pronounce the ! in OK!?
I also seriously considered calling him Faux-pher. I asked my boyfriend if he had a preference, and he just said “Stop.”
I have a vague memory of seeing Valentine’s Day on an airplane, but it’s possible this is a false memory spawned by Julia Robert’s storyline in the movie. I definitely forgot Topher Grace was in it. Surprise Topher is the best Topher!